


Pipes

by LordValeryMimes



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Blow Jobs, Hand Jobs, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-12
Updated: 2014-05-12
Packaged: 2018-01-24 12:43:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1605629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LordValeryMimes/pseuds/LordValeryMimes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the noisy pipes in Rimmer's room on Starbug force him to bunk with Lister for the night, things get interesting. Especially when Rimmer sees what Lister is wearing to bed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pipes

**Author's Note:**

> Set a few days after Legion, although it's inspired mainly by Duct Soup. For all the flack that episode gets, I can never truly hate it because it made me see Craig Charles in a new way.
> 
> Thanks to Rob Grant and Doug Naylor for creating these characters so I could make them get up to all sorts of smeg together.

“Stupid smegging pipes,” Rimmer grumbled under his breath as he strode through the corridor. His fury at the whole situation was dampened slightly by the pleasant feeling of cool air against his skin. He clutched a pillow under one arm and let the fingers of his other hand graze along the ship’s walls as he walked briskly down the hall. He’d only had the hard-light drive for a few days, and he continually found himself enjoying even the smallest of sensations.

Rimmer's voice took on an irritated edge as he knocked on the door to Lister’s room. “Lister, Lister are you still awake? I can’t take one more moment of those damned pipes.”

“One minute man." Lister’s response was slightly muffled.

Rimmer impatiently tapped his fingers against the door until it slid open with a whoosh. Lister stood near the doorway, fumbling with the buttons at the front of his long johns. Rimmer’s eyes bulged slightly and his tightly clamped mouth dropped open a bit. Rimmer had never seen Lister in these long johns before; they hung loose at the top and Lister had rolled the legs up as far as they could go, giving the hologram an unhindered view of the Scouser's bare thighs. Rimmer lowered his pillow, holding it in front of his crotch. _Oh fan-smegging-tastic Arnie, that was very subtle. Why don't you just hold up a flashing neon sign that says, "Why yes, I'm getting a stiffy here, how fabulous of you to notice."_

“Sorry man, was just getting ready for a lie-down meself,” Lister said, doing up the last button and stepping back to let Rimmer through while he closed the door. “Pipes getting on your nerves again? I figured you’d like them. They’d sound great playin’ backup to your Hammond Organ records.” He grinned cheekily and Rimmer quickly composed his expression.

“Lister, you have all the musical refinement of an epileptic earthworm. Filling your ears with all that dreadful Rastabilly Skank nonsense, you're lucky you can even still hear anything,” Rimmer snorted.

“Eh? What's that? Speak up old chap!” said Lister cupping his hand around his ear. He chuckled before walking over to the sink to brush his teeth.

“Ah, becoming more civilized in your old age Listy? Or is has it already been a year since the last time you tasted toothpaste?”

“Oh fmeg ogh,” Lister muttered, his mouth full of bristles and foam.

Rimmer settled down on the spare bunk and was distressed to see that Lister's long johns were distractingly snug at the back as well. Rimmer found himself mesmerized as his bunkmate bent over and he got an eyeful of firm backside wrapped in tight white fabric. The hologram winced as he realized his cock was responding quite enthusiastically to the sight as Lister’s rear jiggled a bit with his movements.

Rimmer quickly jammed the pillow down more firmly against the growing hardness in his pajama bottoms, placed his hands over it and twiddled his thumbs. Lister turned around, wiping toothpaste off of his chin with a towel. Rimmer groaned softly, noticing that the long johns were cut in such a way that they emphasized every curve and bulge of Lister’s sizeable package. The smallest movements made the fabric press and pull, leaving very little to Rimmer's imagination. Not that Rimmer needed imagination. He found his mind wandering back to a few glorious days when he'd been able to get well acquainted with the monster Lister kept in his pants. It had been more than just caviar and cigars that had driven him to take over Lister's body.

Lister noticed the direction of Rimmer’s gaze and the hologram quickly looked away, a shameful blush spreading over his cheeks. _Oh smeg it all. He didn't see anything did he? Confound Lister and his stupid fashion choices. I couldn’t help but stare. I mean look at that thing! Anyone would have stared._

Lister quickly hid a smirk. He’d always had his suspicions about Rimmer, catching little signs here and there when the hologram thought he couldn't be seen. A roving eye when Lister would towel off after a shower. A heavy glance while Lister was undressing. The way those hazel eyes sometimes seemed to burn with more than just fury and annoyance.

Lister casually walked towards the spare bunk, stopping just a foot or so away from the mattress, well aware that it conveniently put his groin at the exact level of Rimmer’s chin.

Lister couldn’t hold back a smile as Rimmer tried to look everywhere except at the massive bulge in front of him. The hologram finally settled on looking Lister full in the face. "Lister, what the smeg are you wearing? You look like an overgrown baby in a romper.”

“Wha’, the new long johns? Krytes picked them up for me when we went on a supply run at that last wreck. The old ones were getting a bit grim. Said he was worried we’d run out of washing powder trying to keep them clean.”

“Well you look…” _Delicious_ , Rimmer’s brain cried out. “Ridiculous.” The snooty edge in his voice did not match the blazing look he got in his eyes as he licked his lips.

Lister leaned backward, hands on his hips, using the pretense of stretching his back to pull the fabric just a smidge tighter around his wedding tackle. The long johns were so ill fitted that Lister’s right shoulder was poking out through the neck-hole. Rimmer’s mind wandered, wondering what it would feel like to nibble on that shoulder and he quickly shook his head. _This is Lister, the man who could learn grooming habits from a pack of incontinent, wild apes. I have no desire whatsoever to nibble on any bits of him. No matter how smooth and luscious they might look._ Rimmer squirmed on the bunk and hunched down lower, crossing his arms over the pillow on his lap.

“So, “Lister asked, “How is it having a hard light drive man? I mean after all those years of not being able to touch or taste anything, it must be pretty wild, yeah?”

“Oh you know it’s… nice I suppose,” said Rimmer, clearing his throat and fidgeting a bit with his hands. He stared intently into Lister’s eyes, desperate to look anywhere other than at the great white mound in front of him. _His eyes are such a lovely dark brown_ , he thought, _so warm and soft_. _What the smeg is wrong with me? This is Lister! I do not give a smeg about how brown Lister’s eyes are, or how good his monster cock looks jammed into those ridiculous long johns._

“Does it feel different from being a regular human? Like does everything feel how you remember?”

“I suppose so, everything I’ve done so far seems to feel the same: eating, drinking, showering...”

“What’s your skin feel like?” asked Lister, sliding down into the bunk next to Rimmer.

The hologram, alarmed at Lister’s proximity scooted away a bit, “What do you mean?”

“Well you’re made of light, how the smeg do they make light feel like skin? I can’t wrap me brain around that.”

“Smeg if I know Lister, I didn’t invent the thing. So far everything feels normal to me though. As normal as a dead person who’s been resurrected and remade with light can be anyway,” finished Rimmer with a note of annoyance in his voice.

“Can I touch you?” Lister held up an inquisitive hand. “I’m just curious, to see y’know, if you feel like a regular human.”

“I’m dead Lister, I’m hardly a regular human anymore. But go on, don’t let me spoil your kicks.” He held up an arm and very primly rolled back his sleeve.

Lister ignored the proffered arm and instead let his fingers softly run down the side of Rimmer’s face. Rimmer hitched in a breath and Lister smiled. The hologram quickly cleared his throat and dropped his ignored arm back onto the pillow.

“Christ man, you’d never know that you weren’t alive,” Lister said in surprise. The hologramatic skin under his fingers felt vividly real and entirely human. Apart from a tiny sensation of static electricity when he first put his fingers down, he would have never known he was touching a hologram. “Does your hair feel real too?” With a look of completely feigned disgust on his face, Rimmer tipped his head toward Lister.

“Do what you will Listy, why don’t you stick me in a tent and start charging admission?” He burst out in a fair imitation of a sideshow barker, “Two quid to see the amazing hard light man! You’ll never know he’s not the real thing!”

“Oh come off it man,” said Lister, “I’m just interested is all.” He dove one hand into Rimmer’s curls and started combing his fingers through them, starting at the temple and gliding them to the back of Rimmer’s head. He’d made a few passes when he realized that a low rumbling was coming from Rimmer and the hologram’s eyes had closed.

“Rimmer man, are you purring?”

Rimmer’s eyes shot open and he quickly pulled away from Lister. “Sorry it’s just… no one has touched me in a long time, and… no one’s ever played with my hair before.” He blurted out the last part very quickly, clearly ashamed.

“What seriously?” said Lister. "What about all the time you spent on that holo-ship with that hologramatic bird?"

"Her name was Nirvanah, Lister" said Rimmer with a scowl. "That was all very nice, but it was very... in and out-ie. Sex was like having a ten-minute cigarette break. A few quick puffs, a bit of gossip, and then off you'd go."

Lister pulled Rimmer back and kept running his fingers through the curly locks. "You're takin’ the smeg," he said with a laugh.

“Oh yes, ha ha! Big joke, let’s all laugh at Rimmer, the only man with less sexual experience than Mother Theresa,” Rimmer crossed his arms over his chest and glared ahead, trying to ignore the growing hardness in his pajama bottoms while Lister's fingers trailed over his scalp.

“No man, that’s not what I meant, it’s just… you’ve got really nice hair. I'm surprised nobody's wanted to play with it before.”

"Oh smeg off Listy," Rimmer said jerking his head away from Lister's hands. "My hair is terrible, it's one of my worst features. You know what they used to call me after I hit puberty? It wasn't Bonehead anymore, it was Pubehead. They used to give me certificates for free bikini waxes on my birthdays."

Lister tried very hard to keep a straight face, and failed. "Oh come on man, that was just kids messing with one another, kids always do smeg like that. I'm being serious, I really do think you've got nice hair."

"Is this some sort of a joke Lister? Are you going to take it all back in a few minutes like when we were on that Psy-Moon?" Rimmer spit out the last word with obvious anger.

Lister leaned back for a moment, a flash of sadness darkening his features. "I'm really sorry about that man. I was bein' a real twonk. If the Cat and Kryten hadn't been around, I wouldn't have done that. But it shouldn’t have made a difference. I wish I could take it back. You know for all your smegginess, you do mean a lot to me." He slid closer to Rimmer on the bunk and wrapped his arm around the hologram's shoulders. "Would you at least let me try and make it up to you?"

"What?" asked Rimmer, "Are you going to get the others together to throw a 'We Love Arnie' parade? No thanks miladdo, I..." he was silenced by Lister's soft lips covering his own.

Rimmer stiffened and braced his hands on Lister's shoulders as if to push him away. Suddenly Lister's hands were threading through Rimmer's hair again, his tongue gently running over Rimmer’s lower lip. The combination of a warm and eager mouth on his, and the sensation of his curls being man-handled made something inside of the hologram snap.

 _What the smeg am I doing?_ Rimmer’s brain was practically screaming at him. _This is Lister! LISTER! I hate everything about this man! His filthy habits, his ridiculous clothes, his complete disregard for rules and regulations, his adorable smile, his gorgeous eyes, his sexy voice. Oh smeg, don’t ever let him stop._

Rimmer gasped and Lister took the opportunity to slide his tongue into the hologram's mouth. Instead of pushing away Lister's shoulders, Rimmer wrapped his hands around them and pulled him closer. As Lister’s tongue swirled expertly around, Rimmer became painfully aware of his own lack of experience. _Oh smeg he’s probably kissed hundreds of people and they were probably all much better kissers than I am. I’m probably terrible at this, what the smeg have I gotten myself into?_

"Oh Rimmer," said Lister, pulling away for just a moment from Rimmer's lips to gnaw and nibble at the side of his throat. "God man, you drive me smegging crazy, you know that?"

 _Is he actually saying that about me? Arnold Rimmer, smeghead extraordinaire? The guy always being volunteered to go on missions where there is a 100% projected chance of death?_ There could be little doubt of Lister's sincerity though, as Rimmer glanced down and saw the state of his long johns. Rimmer's own erection was so swollen he thought he might burst through the top of the pillow and send feathers flying. _Wouldn’t that be interesting to explain to Kryten? Yes sorry I had a bit of a boner malfunction, didn’t realize JMC pillows were so damned flimsy._

Lister pulled his lips away from Rimmer's neck and attacked the hologram's mouth, his fingers twisting through Rimmer's disheveled curls like snakes. A low rumbling moan started at the back of Rimmer's throat as he purred with pleasure at the sensations. He moved his hands from Lister's shoulders and wrapped them around the back of Lister’s head, tugging gently at his locks to pull him closer. Feeling bolder, Rimmer nibbled gently on Lister's lower lip, secretly overjoyed that under the fresh mint of the toothpaste, he could still detect a faint hint of spice and cigarettes.

Suddenly Lister pulled away, panting as he held Rimmer at arm's length. "Listen man, if you don't want to do this we can stop, I don't want to..."

Rimmer suddenly lunged at Lister, tearing open the front of his long johns and sending buttons flying. Before Lister could say another word Rimmer was on top of him, touching every bit of warm skin that he could get his hands on, and nibbling at Lister’s ears, neck and chest.

“Don’t you dare Listy, don’t you dare,” he mumbled between mouthfuls of warm Lister. “Sitting there in that ridiculous outfit practically serving up your meat and two veg on a silver platter. If you think for one moment that you are stopping this, you’ve got another thing coming miladdo.”

Lister’s eyes were wide with surprise and a happy grin spread across his face. “No arguments from me man.” He took Rimmer’s face in his hands and pulled him down into another hungry kiss. Rimmer licked, sucked, bit and tasted like a man out of control. He was nearly drunk with the sensations of it all, the taste and touch of Lister all over him.

Rimmer let his mouth trail down to Lister's left nipple. He pulled it between his lips and started gently sucking on it. Lister threw his head back and moaned, licking and chewing at his lips as he bit back some yells. He shoved Rimmer’s pillow to the floor and started fumbling with the buttons on the hologram’s pajamas.

“Never mind that,” said Rimmer pushing Lister’s hands away. He closed his eyes for a moment and his pajamas melted away. Lister gasped as the cotton beneath his fingers disappeared and he found himself holding onto a naked Rimmer.

“Nice one, that’d be a fun trick for parties,” said Lister, eagerly drinking in the sight of Rimmer’s firm chest and stomach before diving forward to get a taste. He ran his fingers across the holograms pecs and let his thumbs rake slowly across Rimmer’s nipples. Rimmer sucked in a breath as Lister took first one nipple between his lips and then the other, sucking them to pert hardness. He snaked his hand between Rimmer’s legs and the hologram hissed as he closed his fingers around the hard shaft. “Oh smeg Rimmer, you’re like a brick covered in skin. It’s so damn sexy.”

“Oh god Listy,” Rimmer moaned into Lister’s mouth. The hologram’s kisses grew lazy as he became more and more distracted by what Lister’s hand was doing to him.

Lister slid his fist up and down Rimmer’s cock and with each pull, thin drops of precum spilled out over the head. Each tug sent shockwaves through Rimmer and his thighs began to shiver.

“I want to taste you,” said Lister, sliding off the bunk and tucking Rimmer’s pillow under his knees. He grabbed Rimmer’s legs, pulling him closer to the edge of the mattress. Rimmer leaned back, bracing himself with his arms while Lister teasingly began nibbling on the inside of his thighs, starting from the knees and working his way inward. Rimmer moaned at each touch of Lister’s mouth and tongue against his skin. It was all too much, while at the same time not being nearly enough. Lister suddenly engulfed him in one quick motion, swallowing as much of Rimmer’s cock as he could.

“SMEG, SMEG, SMEG, SMEG, SMEGGY SMEGGING SMEG!” Rimmer cried. His whole body stiffened and his hips bucked, pressing him deeper into Lister’s mouth. Lister held on, his hands at the hologram’s waist and continued sucking, loving the feel of Rimmer’s wet member as it slid across his tongue. Rimmer gradually got himself under control and dropped his hips back to the bunk. Lister wrapped one hand around the base of Rimmer’s slick shaft. After a few long sucks, he pulled away and ran his tongue down Rimmer’s full length, licking slowly from base to tip. The hologram moaned and writhed beneath him and Lister smiled, loving the look of pure ecstasy etched in every line of Rimmer’s face.

Lister continued to pump Rimmer’s cock, sliding the foreskin up and down over the head while he let his tongue run over the velvety surface of Rimmer’s balls. Rimmer grabbed Lister’s head with the back of one hand so he could press him even closer. Lister wrapped a hand around Rimmer’s sack and gave him a gentle squeeze while simultaneously pumping him with the other hand and sucking firmly on his swollen head. Rimmer dug his fingers into Lister’s tight curls and hissed, “Smeg Listy, you’ve done this before haven’t you?” Lister tried to grin around his mouthful but settled for shooting Rimmer a quick wink.

Lister quickened the pace of his fingers and tongue and Rimmer’s thighs began to shake. The hand at the back of Lister’s head clamped down tighter and Lister sucked for all he was worth as Rimmer teetered on the edge of his orgasm.

“Oh Listy! Listy, Listy… List, er… Oh. Smeg. Fah… Ah...” Rimmer became incapable of speech and instead muttered a steady stream of moans and grunts and quickened breaths as Lister flicked his tongue against the underside of his cock. Rimmer’s brain began to fold in on itself as possibly the best orgasm of his life and death overtook him. Rimmer’s buttocks tightened and his hips flexed upward as he cried out. Lister quickly slid his hands around to Rimmer’s backside, cradling him and pulling him in closer as a burst of salty fluid hit the back of Lister’s tongue, only to disappear almost as quickly as it came. Lister held on, feeling Rimmer slowly soften in his mouth as he sucked every last bit of fluid out of him. After a few more twitches, Lister gradually let go, letting Rimmer slide out from between his wet lips. He wrapped his arms around Rimmer’s waist and peppered his inner thighs and groin with kisses.

Rimmer’s breathing gradually slowed and he looked down between his legs. Lister gazed up at him with a strange look in his eyes. His lovely lips were redder than usual, and slightly swollen from their recent exertion. They curled up in a smile as Lister continued kissing his way up Rimmer’s chest and pulled him forward, latching onto the hologram’s mouth again. Rimmer lost himself in the kiss, licking and sucking at those warm lips and that skillful tongue. He listened to his moans echoing in Lister’s mouth and within moments he was hard again. His fingers scrabbled at Lister’s naked skin, wanting to feel every inch of buttery softness.

“Stand up Listy,” said Rimmer breaking away from the kiss. “It’s your turn now.”

“Whatever you say Mr. Rimmer Sir,” said Lister with a grin as he rose to his feet, his hard cock stretching out the front of his long johns in an obscene way. Lister grabbed at the cloth bunched around his waist and started to pull it down. Rimmer gently grasped his wrists and growled, “Leave them on Listy,” an evil twinkle in his eye.

Lister gawped as Rimmer scooted forward and began to nuzzle his cock through the fabric. His hands reached behind Lister and he sank his fingers into the soft flesh of the Scouser’s backside. He wrapped his lips around the tip of Lister’s cock and began to mouth it, fascinated by the feeling of the hard, hot member covered in the soggy cotton. Lister reached his hands down and snaked his fingers through Rimmer’s curls, pulling and tugging them in handfuls. Lister began rocking his hips forward, nearly driven mad by the sensation of Rimmer’s mouth and wet cotton rubbing against him.

 _This isn’t enough, I want more, I need more._ Rimmer yanked the front of Lister’s long johns down further, sending another rain of buttons flying and exposing Lister's massive prick to the cool air. _Holy smeg,_ thought Rimmer, _I’ve never seen it at this angle. It’s even bigger than I remember._ Lister gasped as Rimmer dove forward and began tracing his tongue slowly around the tip. The hologram licked his lips and slid them down and over Lister’s head with agonizing slowness.

“Smeg, man,” groaned Lister, holding tighter onto Rimmer’s bronze curls. “Have _you_ done this before?”

“Oh loads Listy,” muttered Rimmer between mouthfuls. “You wouldn’t believe the amount of times I’ve sat for my Astro-Fellatio exams in my dreams.”

Rimmer wrapped his hand around the base of Lister’s cock, bracing it as he plunged his mouth forward, taking in as much of it as he could. He sucked and lapped and pumped, loving the sweet taste of Lister on his tongue.

Lister threw his head back and began rhythmically thrusting forward, pressing his hard length deeper into Rimmer’s mouth, anchoring his hands in the hologram's soft curls.

“Oh Rimmer. Rimmer, Rimmer, Rimmer,” Lister chanted the hologram’s name in time with his thrusts. Rimmer moaned around his mouthful of Lister. _How does he manage to make my name sound so sexy?_ He slid his fingers underneath Lister’s long johns so he could knead the Scouser’s buttocks in his hands. “You’d better stop,” said Lister, suddenly taking Rimmer’s face in his hands and pulling him away.

Rimmer looked up at Lister’s face with disappointment. _What? Have I done something wrong?_ _Oh smeg, did I smeg this up too? Did I use too many teeth? It was the teeth wasn't it?_

“C’mere man,” said Lister pulling Rimmer up into a standing position and a desperate kiss. Rimmer melted against Lister, pressing their groins together, slippery cocks fighting for purchase as they rubbed against one another. Suddenly Lister’s hand was around the both of them, Rimmer’s abundant precum making them slide effortlessly in his fist.

“Oh Listy,” Rimmer moaned, his thighs shaking as Lister pumped them both to the edge of orgasm.

“Oh Rimmer,” Lister moaned back, grabbing the hologram at the small of his back and pulling him close. Lister quickened the pace of his hand and Rimmer’s brain began to explode with his second orgasm. The feeling of Lister’s cock rubbing against his was pushing him over the edge with an agonizing urgency. Lister hitched in a breath and pressed his mouth down on Rimmer’s as his own orgasm blazed through him. Both men’s cries were muffled by their tongues and lips as their cocks exploded in a twin fount of real and hologramatic semen. For several moments they stood holding onto one another for support, gasping for breath before their knees gave out.

Rimmer sat back on the bunk as if in slow motion and Lister followed after him, pushing the hologram down and cuddling up against his side. Lister absently wiped his hand clean on the back of his long johns before reaching up to Rimmer’s face.

“You have no idea,” he said between kisses. “How long I’ve been wanting that.”

“I’ve been wanting it too Listy,” Rimmer said, stroking his hand down Lister’s cheek and wrapping his other arm around his waist. Rimmer couldn’t think of another moment in his life or death when he’d felt more alive than right now, with Lister’s warm body pressed against his and the aftershocks of his second orgasm still sending shivers up his spine.

Their kisses wound down and Lister settled against Rimmer, his face resting at the crook between the hologram’s shoulder and neck. As Rimmer started to regain his composure, some doubts began to creep in. _What the smeg happens now? Are we a couple? Are we just fuck buddies? Are we going to sidle in for breakfast tomorrow holding hands and giggling like a couple of teenagers? Or are we going to pretend this never happened and go back to our usual sniping and insults? Oh I couldn’t stand that._ Rimmer cleared his throat, “Listy… what happens now?”

Lister jerked a bit in Rimmer’s arms and Rimmer realized he must have already been dozing off. “Do us both a favor man, try to turn off your brain and let’s just get some sleep. We can talk in the morning, yeah?” Lister said with a yawn.

“All right Listy,” said Rimmer he reached over to the wall and hit the button for double-bed mode. The bunk immediately spread out and Rimmer was glad for the extra legroom. He pulled a crumpled blanket from the side of the bunk and awkwardly wrapped it around himself and Lister. He doubted he’d actually be able to get any sleep with Lister crammed up against him, but he was happy for the closeness. Lister’s breathing grew slower and heavier before turning into snores, but Rimmer wasn’t bothered. After so many nights alone, he needed this, needed to feel Lister in his arms. Rimmer placed a gentle kiss on the top of Lister’s head before murmuring, “Goodnight Listy.”


End file.
